Well summer has gotten away from
me…I’ve been so busy, but with what... I can’t tell you? It’s always something
however; I never seem to fit enough hours into my day…maybe Granny’s
right-maybe that’s why I’m still single? I took her to lunch last week and she
told me, “Kristina, you have to make time to find a man…you’re not getting any
younger and one day you’ll be too old, to have fun. You need to loosen up and
live a little.” It struck me as bit odd the way she said it. She had a big grin
on her face and the weirdest thing was, she winked at me when she said, “to
have fun”, then I thought…what the hell does a 83 year old woman remember about
having“fun”…Let’s face it those days have been long gone for my Granny. Even
when Grampy was living they had separate beds ever since I could remember.
Wait… not just separate beds but they had separate bedrooms.
Growing up I didn’t realize that
parents actually slept in the same bed until I was at my new friend Lynnie’s
house for a sleepover. We were in the second grade and she asked me to spend
the night. I was nervous about sleeping away from home but I agreed to it
because at Lynnie’s they got McDonalds for dinner on Fridays and we got to
watch The Partridge Family…a Big Mac, fries, a chocolate shake and David Cassidy…That was living!
(Not living healthy but we didn't care about good health in the
60's...Cigarettes and martinis helped women get through their pregnancy!)
Herb and Anna-Bell were Lynn’s
parents and I can still remember thinking…”What the heck- they only have one
bed in the big bedroom? Hum? Wonder where Lynnie’s parents sleep?” Lynn and I
camped out in our sleeping bags in the family room and once she and I had
crawled in our sacs for the night and settled down to sleep (and giggle) her
parents came in, turned off our light, said good night and walked in the big
room and shut the door behind them. Not sure what to think I whispered, “Do
your parents always sleep in just one bed together?” Lynn answered like any
typical seven year old would answer, “Yep. But not when dad comes home from
work really late and smells like beer, then he sleeps on the couch.” Well that
was as good an answer as any and off to sleep we went.
For
the past five years every Wednesday night Granny and I have dinner at her house
together. I usually stop to pick-up Chinese and she and I will watch a little
television and chat until 8:00 or 9:00 and she’ll fall asleep in her chair
snoring. I often wonder if she feels lonely-so sad to get old.
So after work on Wednesday night
like always I headed out to pick up dinner. “Granny, I’m on my way, I just
pick-up dinner at Al’s Palace and I’ll be there in five minutes.” I said on
speaker phone from the car.
“Oh
dear, is it Wednesday? Well, that will be fine, my friend is here but they
always give us enough food for 10 people. See you when you get her.” Granny
said as she abruptly hung up the phone.
I thought it strange she would have
someone over; in the past five years she’d never had a lady friend over, so I
was pleased to know she was socializing.
I
opened my Granny’s front door with my hands full of food and headed straight
for the Kitchen. “Granny, I’m here.” Of course she couldn’t hear me because her
television was turned up loud enough for the entire block to hear it. “GRANNY,
turn down the television. Dinner’s here.”
I yelled as I fumbled in her
cupboards to find her paper plates and set the table. The volume on the
television quickly muted. “Kristina, lets eat in the living room, Ed and I are
working on putting this puzzle together and we’re on a roll.” I laughed at her
choice of words and wondered if she meant her girlfriend Edwina? I scooped up
all the plates and boxes of Kung-pow chicken and egg fried rice and headed to
the living room.
“Hey,
Granny. Oh and Ed.” I said with a surprised tone in my voice and a strange look
on my face. It was Ed, like in a man Ed, not Edwina like in a girlfriend. “Ed,
this is my granddaughter Kristina. She’s looking at you like a deer in
headlights because she thinks I’m old and should be home alone doing crossword
puzzles. Kristina, stop staring at Ed and set the food down so we can eat it
before it gets cold”
Still a little dumbfounded I did
exactly what I was told. I sat down in her La-Z-Boy recliner with my TV tray in
front of me and tried not to feel like the third wheel. Ed and Granny were
laughing and cracking jokes…and seem to know each other quite well.
I
had just scooped a fork full of rice in my mouth when I happen to glance at my
Granny’s 42 inch HD TV that I bought her last year for her
birthday…”Grrrannyyy…WHAT the hell is on the TV? What are you watching?” I said
as I chocked on my food in shock.
“I think they still call it porn Kristina. Oh look
Ed, I found that center piece we’ve been searching for” Granny never looked up
from her puzzle and Ed took another bite of egg roll.
“PORN?! You’re watching porn? Why
are you watching porn…with ED? Or at all?” I said with disbelief and disgust as
I stood up to search to find the remote control so that I could get it off her
TV before I had to make an emergency visit to my therapist. But instead I
tripped over the cat and fell on my ass. I landed face first looking up at a
ménage-a-trois on the fucking TV at my grandmother’s house. I wanted to die.
“We
are watching porn because Wheel-of-Fortune is
over and Jeopardy doesn’t come on for
another 20 minutes. Ed, would you like more Kung-pow chicken?”
Well, just like when I was seven, that was as good an answer
as any so I left it at that!
