My Big "5" Oh..Hell-No!

Once upon a time I had a birthday coming up in March and somehow unbeknownst to me but yet it has been confirmed by my DMV records that I will be turning 50…Upon turning 50 while living in Newport Beach I know it is just a matter of time until I can no longer get laid in a men’s prison with a pocket full of pardons. After all it’s hard enough for an anorexic size six, 20 year old swimsuit model to find a guy so what are my odds? Well the odds don’t appear to be all that promising, with half of the male population gay and the other half losing their trust fund money in the stock market things are not looking good. I remembered the days when my silicone implants stood for something but after 40; they won’t stand up for anything anymore. After turning 49 I realized it was just a matter of time until all hell breaks loose and down I go -- my chin hanging to my boobs, my silicone torpedoes pointed straight down towards an old gunnysack of cellulite, my knees hanging to my swollen ankles, and I’m most afraid I will one day have to tuck my ass into the back of my knee-high support hose so I won’t trip over it. I anticipate the day I wake up and realize, “Wow, I’m old.” But until then I say, “I will hold my chin up high. That way when my turkey neck sways, at least it sways with confidence!”