Where the hell's my estrogen patch?

Hormones, Hormones, Hormones…!   

There’s nothing even remotely good when you’re told you can’t leave the hospital after they find a huge mass covering both ovaries.  So that’s when it hit me, I would never have children. I would never be given the chance to screw a child up like my parents did me-it wasn’t fair…

However, I wasn’t the only one distraught about me not having children; my mom bellowed her sorrow throughout the hospital to anyone who would listen. Still a bit loopy while waking up after surgery; the Demerol had also started to wear off, but I could hear my mother loud and clear talking to a group of hospital staff, I think they were the people that delivered the meals to the patients. “My daughter Kristina, she’s in room 201-bed A, she just had a complete hysterectomy. She's over 40 and I don’t know how she will ever get a man to marry her now…you know, in her condition.”  She lowered her voice to a loud whisper when she said “in her condition” She made it sound like I had contracted some horrible disease and only had a few hours to live.

“Oh Ms. Truly is your daughter? She is moy bonita, I served her breakfast this morning. This is horrible for your family. I have 43 grandchildren; I could not live without my grandchildren.” I heard someone say from the peanut gallery talking in the hall next to my hospital room. Then to make matters worse I heard my mother agree with her, with the one word of Spanish she knows. “Gracias. My heart is broken. But thank God, my son is expecting his first child. His wife is much younger than Kristina; she’ll have lots of babies for me.”

Note to self: Nominate my Mommy Dearest for mother of the year…UGH!

Well surgery didn’t go as planned and things were much worse than my doctor had anticipated but I was alive and for that I was grateful.

“Help…Dr. Coochie, please I need my estrogen patch…PLEASE!” I begged like someone begging for a smack of heroin. Going straight into menopause was no trip to the fun zone and I was not a happy camper. Insanity had nothing on the way I felt.

“KT, I’m sorry we can’t start your hormone replacement until we can get you walking around and your blood pressure stabilized, we are afraid of blood clots and your infection is still not looking good. You aren’t out of the woods yet my dear.” Dr. Coochie, stood across the room reading over my chart. I’m pretty sure she had heard that I called the resident doctor that had been in earlier that day to check my incision a prick…but he was so I felt he deserved it. “Dr. Coochie, you don’t understand, I need my hormone patch, Please! I’m so hot I can’t take it. The hot flashes are more like power surges and I feel like my body is going to ignite into flames. That’s why I asked Dr. Dick for an ice pack for the back of my neck to help cool me down and like a prick he said, NO.”

“Yes, I heard about that and I also heard you threatened to walk your naked ass outside if someone didn’t turn on the air-conditioning ASAP.”  Dr. Coochie, walked over and stood at the foot of my bed staring at me with a slight smile on her face. “Yes, that’s sounds about right.” I said with a proud stern domineer. “But Dr. Coochie, I’m in hormone hell, I’ve never felt so depressed and angry about everything-my heart is racing, I have anxiety -I feel overwhelmed. No...I feel like shit and no one seems to care.” I started to cry uncontrollably, hoping something would break her down and I could finally get my estrogen patch.

“KT, just a few more hours, I promise, once your blood pressure is stable and your white blood count starts to go down-KT, it’s for your own good.” Dr. Coochie made a bee-line for the door.

So that’s when I decided I couldn’t take it anymore. Looking back I can only assume it was the lack of hormones making me so crazy but when I was in the mist of hormone hell, it wasn’t safe for anyone including myself. First, I cussed-out the safety rail on the side of my bed holding me in hospital prison. But with merely breaking a few fingernails I managed to take down the rail. There wasn’t any blood shed so I was hopeful things were looking up. Then I swung both legs over the side of the bed. I was determined to take off walking to get some cold fresh air outside.

But that’s when it hit me…Wholly crap! I just had major surgery-I had a horribly painful incision across my entire lower abdomen and I was hooked up to more bells and whistles than a security system at a museum. And now I was completely stuck. I didn’t have enough strength to even get myself back in bed. I had no stomach muscles that weren’t on fire! So there I sat hunched over the side of my bed with my feet dangling not quite reaching the floor and I felt dizzy and ready to faint. I soon realized I was in a fine mess and thus far I had been such a bitch to everyone that no one was coming within 100 miles to visit me.  “Help…Help…Please someone I’m stuck.”

Finally a man walked by and heard my cries for help. I would have been totally embarrassed under any other circumstances by the fact the man willing to rescue me was an elderly candy-striper well in his late 70’s. Slowly and a bit shaky he managed to help me swing my legs back on my bed. He carefully got me all propped back-up and even fluffed my pillows. Again, I started to cry.

“Let me guess, you just had a hysterectomy?” This sweet man looked me in the eyes and for the first time I felt like someone wasn’t scared of me. I sniff and he took a tissue and wiped the snot dripping from under my nose. “I remember when my wife had a hysterectomy. Boy, she was a real bitch. A lack of hormones can really knock you for a loop.”  I attempted to laugh but it fring hurt like hell so I grinned really big and gently squeezed his old fragile hand.  

“But I bet you really loved her and she got better really quick. Right?” I looked in his eyes for wisdom and comfort. “No, she was always a bitch and it just got worse after the hysterectomy. But in those days we stayed together for the kids. I was lucky though, she left me for my best friend the day our youngest child went off to college. It was the happiest day of my life” And on that note, Mr. Candy Striper practically skipped out of my room with a smile from ear-to-ear.

“Ms. Truly, I have some good news. Dr. Coochie has approved your estrogen patch, it should be just a few hours and the pharmacy will bring it up and help you put it on.” Nurse Ratchet said gruffly as she checked my vital signs. “A few hours…I could die before that, I need you to speed this up.” I said in my Dr. Jackal hormonal personality as I whipped my sheet and blanket off my legs as a warm flash of heat consumed my entire body.

“I wish I could but that’s not going to happen, this is a hospital not the drive-thru at McDonalds. I suggest another shot of pain meds and some strawberry Jell-O. That’ll have to do for now. Good night Ms. Truly.”  

Poor Kristina…Hormones, Hormones, Hormones! Check in next week…Will KT ever get her damn estrogen patch? We'll see!!!

Hormone Hell-KT, Needs a Hysterectomy

I knew things weren’t looking good when while having an ultrasound of my throbbing ovaries the technician looked at her screen and with her eyes bulging opening like a hoot-owl and her jaw practically dropping to the floor stood up and said, “I’ll be right back”.

In what seemed like forever I waited for someone to come back in my room and tell me what the hell was going on. The longer it took the more than a little curious I became wondering what was the big deal. But first-things-first, before my bladder burst… I had to drink 32oz of water before starting the ultrasound and with all the probing and prodding and the stabbing pain in my ovaries I had had enough for one day. My head was pounding and I needed to pee. I wrapped the skimpy hospital gown halfway around my tooshie and headed down the hall to find a restroom.

“May I help you Ms?” Nurse Ratchet said from behind her thrown at the administration desk. “No, I’m good- just looking for the restroom.” I said as I pushed a door open and entered a room marked with a stick figure of a man and women and wheelchair symbol on the front.

I was seated in front of the ultrasound screen looking at a series of black and white fuzzy shots of my ovaries when the tech and the chief radiologist barraged through the door. It didn’t take a degree in medicine at that point to know they weren’t there to tell me I had just won a trip for two to Hawaii but rather something was not good.

The phone hanging on the wall rang and a bright red light flashed on line-one. “That’s your gynecologist; she needs to speak with you.” I picked up the receiver.

“KT, it’s Dr. Coochie. You can’t leave the hospital. You have a very large mass covering both ovaries and I need to take you to surgery. It looks like we will have to take everything including your cervix. You have a serious infection and we need you on round the clock intervenes antibiotics for 48 hours before I can do surgery on Friday morning. The good news is-I don't think its cancer.”

The Hawaii trip would have obviously been better news. Stunned, I glanced over at the two medical strangers that were staring at me like I was a time bomb ready to explode…and I kind of was. “Dr. Coochie, I can’t possibly stay at the hospital right now, I will have to come back in the morning. I don’t have my toothbrush, clean underwear, my contact solutions and I need to talk to my cat Mr. Snooty so he understands what’s going on. And by the way this all sounds, maybe I better make a call to my lawyer to make sure my will is up-to-date.” I said as I took a seat in the chair next to the phone.

“KT, I highly advise against you leaving the hospital. If the mass ruptures you will go septic and well I don’t need to tell you what that means. So if you choose to leave and because I know you; I’m assuming you will no matter what I’m telling you…please go straight home and come back to the hospital first thing in the morning.”

Poodles, my best friend, whose name is actually Peter drove me to the hospital first thing in the morning …well right after our drive-thru coffee stop for a warm chocolate croissant and caramel latte. I figured ovaries and a cervix must weigh at least 2-3 pounds so I could have a buttery rich chocolate treat to keep my strength up. And just in case I didn’t make it I wanted to make my last meal a good one.

The administration at the hospital was waiting for me and rushed me to my room where they wasted no time hooking me up to all the bells and whistles to pump me full of antibiotics and some really great drugs for the pain.

“KT, darling, it’s Mom. I came as soon as I heard. Why didn’t you call me? It breaks my heart you’ll never have children, how will you ever find a man to marry you?” Just what I needed-My Mommy Dearest…always there with her glass half empty…. She meant well but Mother Teresa she’s not…and so with my right hand I pushed the wonderful little button that detonated a powerful pop of Demerol and I was out like a light…!



Well KT’s not out of the woods yet. The hormone hell has just begun… Stay tuned for “Where the Hells my estrogen patch?”

He's going to the chapel and he's going to be married...to someone else!

Of course it goes without saying…I’m still single. But yet another one of my ex-boyfriends has found the girl of his dreams…It never fails. In my late 20’s it seemed like every time I went on a date the next day Mr. Dream Boat was leaving for vacation…Mr. One Date Wonder would be simply distraught about having to leave me for seven dreadful days, we'd had such a wonderful time, how could he possibly go to a tropical island of pure paradise without sweet little me. He'd passionately kiss me and beg me to wait for him. He would be gone an entire week and he would probably die without me…well maybe it wasn’t always quite that dramatic but whatever, blah, blah, blah...

A week would go by and no call from Mr. Wonderful. Then sure enough I’d run into him a month or so later and he would introduce me to his beautiful Fiancé. “Let me guess, you met her on the flight to Hawaii?” “Oh my God-yes. How did you know?”

I always knew because it’s happen so many fringing times. One night I was on a hot date and everything was going great. We kissed for hours. Neither of us could stand the thought of even going one day without each other…and on his way home from dropping me off at my apartment he got pulled over for a taillight out and Wham!-Love at first sight. A million dike women cops but he had to get pulled over by a former Miss Pageant Beauty Queen.

So it should come as no surprise to hear Mr. Handyman is hot and heavy with a new cute little bimbo. I heard they were getting married as soon as her divorce was final. "Divorce is finial...Not fair she's had her chance-it's my turn-Damn it!"

Well, if you want to get hitched just date Kristina Truly, she’s your blonde Good Luck Charm-It must be the Irish in me. “However I would just like to know... Mr. Wee Green Little Man where’s me Pot-Of-Man-Gold?”

Poor KT, she will have to keep searching...Mr. Right is somewhere, sadly however it seems that somewhere is everywhere she's not...!