Hormones, Hormones, Hormones…!
There’s
nothing even remotely good when you’re told you can’t leave the hospital after
they find a huge mass covering both ovaries. So that’s when it hit me, I would never have
children. I would never be given the chance to screw a child up like my parents
did me-it wasn’t fair…
However,
I wasn’t the only one distraught about me not having children; my mom bellowed her
sorrow throughout the hospital to anyone who would listen. Still a bit loopy while waking up after surgery;
the Demerol had also started to wear off, but I could hear my mother loud and clear talking to a group of hospital
staff, I think they were the people that delivered the meals to the patients. “My
daughter Kristina, she’s in room 201-bed A, she just had a complete hysterectomy.
She's over 40 and I don’t know how she will ever get a man to marry her now…you know, in her
condition.” She lowered her voice to a loud
whisper when she said “in her condition”
She made it sound like I had contracted some horrible disease and only had a
few hours to live.
“Oh
Ms. Truly is your daughter? She is moy bonita, I served her breakfast this
morning. This is horrible for your family. I have 43 grandchildren; I could not
live without my grandchildren.” I heard someone say from the peanut gallery talking
in the hall next to my hospital room. Then to make matters worse I heard my
mother agree with her, with the one word of Spanish she knows. “Gracias. My heart is broken. But thank God, my
son is expecting his first child. His wife is much younger than Kristina; she’ll
have lots of babies for me.”
Note
to self: Nominate my Mommy Dearest for
mother of the year…UGH!
Well
surgery didn’t go as planned and things were much worse than my doctor had
anticipated but I was alive and for that I was grateful.
“Help…Dr.
Coochie, please I need my estrogen patch…PLEASE!” I begged like someone begging
for a smack of heroin. Going straight into menopause was no trip to the fun
zone and I was not a happy camper. Insanity had nothing on the way I felt.
“KT,
I’m sorry we can’t start your hormone replacement until we can get you walking
around and your blood pressure stabilized, we are afraid of blood clots and
your infection is still not looking good. You aren’t out of the woods yet my
dear.” Dr. Coochie, stood across the room reading over my chart. I’m pretty
sure she had heard that I called the resident doctor that had been in earlier
that day to check my incision a prick…but he was so I felt he deserved it. “Dr.
Coochie, you don’t understand, I need my hormone patch, Please! I’m so hot I
can’t take it. The hot flashes are more like power surges and I feel like my
body is going to ignite into flames. That’s why I asked Dr. Dick for an ice
pack for the back of my neck to help cool me down and like a prick he said, NO.”
“Yes,
I heard about that and I also heard you threatened to walk your naked ass
outside if someone didn’t turn on the air-conditioning ASAP.” Dr. Coochie, walked over and stood at the
foot of my bed staring at me with a slight smile on her face. “Yes, that’s sounds about right.” I said with a proud stern domineer.
“But Dr. Coochie, I’m in hormone hell, I’ve never felt so depressed and angry
about everything-my heart is racing, I have anxiety -I feel overwhelmed. No...I feel like shit and no one seems to
care.” I started to cry uncontrollably, hoping something would break her down
and I could finally get my estrogen patch.
“KT,
just a few more hours, I promise, once your blood pressure is stable and your white
blood count starts to go down-KT, it’s for your own good.” Dr. Coochie made a bee-line
for the door.
So
that’s when I decided I couldn’t take it anymore. Looking back I can only
assume it was the lack of hormones making me so crazy but when I was in the
mist of hormone hell, it wasn’t safe for anyone including myself. First, I
cussed-out the safety rail on the side of my bed holding me in hospital prison. But with merely breaking a few fingernails I managed to take down the rail.
There wasn’t any blood shed so I was hopeful things were looking up. Then I
swung both legs over the side of the bed. I was determined to take off walking to
get some cold fresh air outside.
But
that’s when it hit me…Wholly crap! I just had major surgery-I had a horribly painful
incision across my entire lower abdomen and I was hooked up to more bells and whistles than a security system at a museum. And now I was completely stuck. I didn’t have enough
strength to even get myself back in bed. I had no stomach muscles that weren’t
on fire! So there I sat hunched over the side of my bed with my feet dangling
not quite reaching the floor and I felt dizzy and ready to faint. I soon realized I was in a fine mess and thus far
I had been such a bitch to everyone that no one was coming within 100 miles to
visit me. “Help…Help…Please someone I’m
stuck.”
Finally
a man walked by and heard my cries for help. I would have been totally embarrassed
under any other circumstances by the fact the man willing to rescue me was an
elderly candy-striper well in his late 70’s. Slowly and a bit shaky he managed
to help me swing my legs back on my bed. He carefully got me all propped back-up and even fluffed my pillows. Again, I started to cry.
“Let
me guess, you just had a hysterectomy?” This sweet man looked me in the eyes
and for the first time I felt like someone wasn’t scared of me. I sniff and he
took a tissue and wiped the snot dripping from under my nose. “I remember when my wife had a
hysterectomy. Boy, she was a real bitch. A lack of hormones can really knock
you for a loop.” I attempted to laugh
but it fring hurt like hell so I grinned really big and gently squeezed his old
fragile hand.
“But
I bet you really loved her and she got better really quick. Right?” I looked in
his eyes for wisdom and comfort. “No, she was always a bitch and it just got
worse after the hysterectomy. But in those days we stayed together for the
kids. I was lucky though, she left me for my best friend the day our youngest
child went off to college. It was the happiest day of my life” And on that
note, Mr. Candy Striper practically skipped out of my room with a smile from
ear-to-ear.
“Ms.
Truly, I have some good news. Dr. Coochie has approved your estrogen patch, it
should be just a few hours and the pharmacy will bring it up and help you put
it on.” Nurse Ratchet said gruffly as she checked my vital signs. “A few hours…I
could die before that, I need you to speed this up.” I said in my Dr. Jackal hormonal
personality as I whipped my sheet and blanket off my legs as a warm flash of
heat consumed my entire body.
“I
wish I could but that’s not going to happen, this is a hospital not the drive-thru
at McDonalds. I suggest another shot of pain meds and some strawberry Jell-O.
That’ll have to do for now. Good night Ms. Truly.”
Poor
Kristina…Hormones, Hormones, Hormones! Check in next week…Will KT ever get her
damn estrogen patch? We'll see!!!
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