I knew things weren’t looking good when while having an ultrasound of my throbbing ovaries the technician looked at her screen and with her eyes bulging opening like a hoot-owl and her jaw practically dropping to the floor stood up and said, “I’ll be right back”. In what seemed like forever I waited for someone to come back in my room and tell me what the hell was going on. The longer it took the more than a little curious I became wondering what was the big deal. But first-things-first, before my bladder burst… I had to drink 32oz of water before starting the ultrasound and with all the probing and prodding and the stabbing pain in my ovaries I had had enough for one day. My head was pounding and I needed to pee. I wrapped the skimpy hospital gown halfway around my tooshie and headed down the hall to find a restroom.
“May I help you Ms?” Nurse Ratchet said from behind her thrown at the administration desk. “No, I’m good- just looking for the restroom.” I said as I pushed a door open and entered a room marked with a stick figure of a man and women and wheelchair symbol on the front.
I was seated in front of the ultrasound screen looking at a series of black and white fuzzy shots of my ovaries when the tech and the chief radiologist barraged through the door. It didn’t take a degree in medicine at that point to know they weren’t there to tell me I had just won a trip for two to Hawaii but rather something was not good.
The phone hanging on the wall rang and a bright red light flashed on line-one. “That’s your gynecologist; she needs to speak with you.” I picked up the receiver.
“KT, it’s Dr. Coochie. You can’t leave the hospital. You have a very large mass covering both ovaries and I need to take you to surgery. It looks like we will have to take everything including your cervix. You have a serious infection and we need you on round the clock intervenes antibiotics for 48 hours before I can do surgery on Friday morning. The good news is-I don't think its cancer.”
The Hawaii trip would have obviously been better news. Stunned, I glanced over at the two medical strangers that were staring at me like I was a time bomb ready to explode…and I kind of was. “Dr. Coochie, I can’t possibly stay at the hospital right now, I will have to come back in the morning. I don’t have my toothbrush, clean underwear, my contact solutions and I need to talk to my cat Mr. Snooty so he understands what’s going on. And by the way this all sounds, maybe I better make a call to my lawyer to make sure my will is up-to-date.” I said as I took a seat in the chair next to the phone.
“KT, I highly advise against you leaving the hospital. If the mass ruptures you will go septic and well I don’t need to tell you what that means. So if you choose to leave and because I know you; I’m assuming you will no matter what I’m telling you…please go straight home and come back to the hospital first thing in the morning.”
Poodles, my best friend, whose name is actually Peter drove me to the hospital first thing in the morning …well right after our drive-thru coffee stop for a warm chocolate croissant and caramel latte. I figured ovaries and a cervix must weigh at least 2-3 pounds so I could have a buttery rich chocolate treat to keep my strength up. And just in case I didn’t make it I wanted to make my last meal a good one.
The administration at the hospital was waiting for me and rushed me to my room where they wasted no time hooking me up to all the bells and whistles to pump me full of antibiotics and some really great drugs for the pain.
“KT, darling, it’s Mom. I came as soon as I heard. Why didn’t you call me? It breaks my heart you’ll never have children, how will you ever find a man to marry you?” Just what I needed-My Mommy Dearest…always there with her glass half empty…. She meant well but Mother Teresa she’s not…and so with my right hand I pushed the wonderful little button that detonated a powerful pop of Demerol and I was out like a light…!
Well KT’s not out of the woods yet. The hormone hell has just begun… Stay tuned for “Where the Hells my estrogen patch?”
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